Confused? I understand. What does me having clear vision have to do with my fear of being seen naked?
Before I explain, let me clarify something. I don’t require a lot of naked time. Truthfully, I have never sauntered out to get the mail in the buff. All household chores, vacuuming, window washing are clothed sports. No naked yoga. My only semi-public naked experiences have been topless sun bathing. No biggie right?
My topless debuts were when I was in my 20’s and 30's. I would search out a seemingly private area and pop off my bathing suit top. It felt so liberating. Like I was living on the edge of my otherwise law abiding, reliable, ordinary life.
For the record, my exposure was not linked to vanity. I never had a rocking hot body. My nakedness was motivated by the delight of feeling the sun on a forbidden area. That and an utter disconnect from of my own body’s imperfections. Unfortunately, this happy ignorance was not to last forever.
What I was about to discover was that the key to my naked confidence was my pitiful eyesight.
Since the first grade I have worn glasses. Not cutes ones, they were the clunky cheap plastic type with thick lenses. Which also explains why I have no wallet size photos from first grade. For the next couple of decades, I wore my glasses everywhere. Everywhere, that is, except for 2 places, the beach and showering.
What I didn’t realize was that I had spent my entire life not actually seeing myself naked.
Furthermore, when I was at the beach, I would snap my glasses in their case and slide on a pair of drugstore sunglasses. Through my myopic eyes, the parade of semi-clad beach bodies all looked like moving impressionist paintings. Wonderfully blurring fleshy forms.
Here’s the horrid confession. I thought people saw me, as I saw them, blurry and beautiful.
So, how bad could my eyes have been to be that deluded?
To get an idea of the extent of my blurriness, you will need to refer to that classic eye test. You know the one where there is a pyramid of letters with a huge E at the top. The letters get smaller with each descending line. If you have perfect eyesight you can pick off letters from the infinitesimal row at the bottom.
The morning that I had my eye test, the ophthalmologist shut off the lights and popped up the slide containing the pyramid of letters. He asked me to read the smallest line I could make out clearly. I blankly swivel my head about the room and said, “ OK, just let me know when you put the test up.” The giant E was looming straight in front of me. It’s not a good sign when you hear your doctor say “Yikes.”
Lasik eye surgery was fairly new at the time I was seriously considering it. Canada had mastered laser correct vision before the States. I cashed in some frequent flyer miles and headed to Toronto for the surgery.
The day after my surgery, I stepped out of the shower, and caught the very first crystal clear glimpse of my naked self and gasped “Holy Mother.” As I stared into the mirror I scanned my naked reflection and took note of all its imperfections in searing crisp detail.
My naked illusion was gone.
That’s how corrective eye surgery robbed my confidence to be naked.
Now, if someone would ask me today if I would recommend Lasik Eye Surgery? I would say absolutely, go for it. It is amazing to be able to read the alarm clock as you first crack your eyes open. You can swim in a lake, and actually see the dock your heading for. It’s truly a remarkable thing, to have your eyes tuned-up and ready to perform 24/7.
However, I would also pose a small warning. In particular, I would caution those who, like me, are near-sighted folk. These are my people. To those sorry misguided souls who have only been able to see up-close, whose vision blurs as you view things that are more than a couple feet away…this is my advice for you: Be gentle with yourself after the surgery. Clear vision may rob you of your naiveté. Wrinkles appear, cellulite is far more lumpy than you ever knew, and damn those varicose veins, they are like a Google map to despair.
You know how drug companies have to list all possible side affects that a medication may cause? Well, I think that the fine people at the Lasik Eye Clinics should have to give you a little heads up too.
Here is the warning that I would have liked for them to post:
Lasik eye surgery will enable you to see clearly.
While that may sound like the goal you signed up for,
please be aware that it also may bring some startling truth to light.
You may be far less attractive than you previously realized.
The known side affects are, a strong desire to avert your eyes when disrobing.
In fact, this may lead you to dress entirely behind the shower curtain,
in an attempt to avoid the bathroom mirror.
A solution worth considering is wearing someone elses glasses when you get out of the shower, you will find yourself back in an instant blurry bliss.
Amy Archer
This past winter I squatted in our family cottage In Rockport Massachusetts. It was a particularly harsh season to be alone in a cabin with no insulation. There were countless days that I opened the front door to grab the mail from the worn wicker mailbox outside. I had this romantic notion of obtaining a spiritual epiphany during this self-inflicted isolation. In truth I spend most of those arctic days tightly wrapped in a big bathrobe feeling squirrelly, insecure & occasionally writing about memorable moments.
Visit Amy's blog, Bathrobe Writings
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