Part 2:
Something changed in me that night. It made me cold, angry, and bitter. Even as I write this I struggle with my “coldness” and ability to not show my “feelings” even if it's all I want to do. I struggle with not being able to control my thoughts, actions, and words...
The hour or so following ladybug (which is how I refer to that night) is a blur. I vaguely remember stumbling home - partly because of the trauma and partly because I was fucked up in the head space. I remember getting home in the early hours of that morning and climbing through my window as I always did; so as not to wake up my mother. I remember showering, as most do who have been through a similar experience. From there, I climbed into the safety and warmth of my bed.
I wish I could say that I told someone, anyone what happened. But I didn't. Instead, the light in my life grew darker and darker and I only had one mission: to numb the pain and forget. Soon my life switched directions from potential to potent.
I quickly realized I loved being anywhere but where I was. A timeout from my mind and a stop to my thoughts was what I craved. The more I got it, the more I wanted it. It was a vicious cycle and I knew it. But I didn't want to stop even though I knew that I was self destructing.
My descent into drug addiction was alarmingly quick. By my junior year of high school I was fully addicted to OxyContin. I had gone from a straight A honor student to a “"problem student” - tardiness, truancy, suspension, and failing all my classes. It was then that my addiction took complete control over my life.
I started to do things that I still regret to this day. My morals and self-respect were a distant memory. Things came full circle November of my senior year when I walked out of high school for the last time. It was only a short time later that I fell in love.
I fell in love with the needle and started a tumultuous love affair with heroin…
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Friday, July 11, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Ladybugs - Part I
Ladybugs. Most people don't put too much thought into ladybugs except when they see one; up close and personal. It is then that a person gets to see the details: With their red backs and black dots - even having one land on you is supposed to be good luck.
I fucking hate ladybugs. Ladybugs can take me from 0 - 100 - and just like that I'm brought back to my world as a 16 year old when everything was beautiful and I had not a care in the world. I even thought my life was beautiful; getting good grades, cheerleading in high school and coaching pop warner. I was on the high school swim team and played freshman softball. As adults would always say to me: you have so much promise…
Except I had no such thing. It was taken from me. It was stolen right out from underneath me. It was Halloween and I was 16. The possibilities as a high school kid were endless. This particular year, Halloween fell on a Friday. One of the coaches for my Pop Warner team was having a costume party and asked me if I wanted to go. "Of course! Hell yes I wanted to go." I knew there would be alcohol and mostly everyone was going to be way older than me. But I didn't care. I had always gotten along so much easier with older people. Of course, I wasn't worried about any of that crap. My biggest concern was what costume I would wear and it wasn't until a few days later while doing our Saturday shopping ritual, that I saw it. The 'not too sexy but showed enough skin to make me feel sexy' ladybug costume was a one piece with the spots, bug headband and everything. The costume itself was on the short side, so I threw on shorts and called it good. The party was so fun - nothing but laughs and smiles. Even though I was underage, I had a few wine cooler type drinks but didn't go crazy. At the end of the night I was tired (and lazy) so I decided to crash on N's couch for the night. The party wrapped up and just like that everyone had left. She left her dog at her fathers house; so before bed went over to check on him. Not that I minded because I was already half asleep on the couch anyways. Details are so trivial sometimes. I won't describe how my heart dropped to the floor when he walked into the living room; startling me. I won't describe the helplessness I felt, the weakness under his weight. I won't mention that I had my virginity stolen from me by a monster that was "friends" with a women whom I had known for years. Only a monster with no soul could do what he did. Only a monster could finish taking the innocence of a 16 year old and stroll out like it was no big deal. I remember I sat stunned; frozen. I knew I needed to get out of there. I knew I needed to just get outside and feel the chilled October air on my face. I needed an escape; I needed to escape that place, those feelings, those thoughts, and all the racing images that started to flood my mind. I wish I could say I eventually recovered from such a tragedy. I wish I could tell you that I told someone and got the counseling that was necessary. I wish I could tell you that I learned skills to deal with everything that results from a sexual assault. But the only thing I can tell you with any honesty is that to this day almost 15 years later...I still fucking hate ladybugs.
I fucking hate ladybugs. Ladybugs can take me from 0 - 100 - and just like that I'm brought back to my world as a 16 year old when everything was beautiful and I had not a care in the world. I even thought my life was beautiful; getting good grades, cheerleading in high school and coaching pop warner. I was on the high school swim team and played freshman softball. As adults would always say to me: you have so much promise…
Except I had no such thing. It was taken from me. It was stolen right out from underneath me. It was Halloween and I was 16. The possibilities as a high school kid were endless. This particular year, Halloween fell on a Friday. One of the coaches for my Pop Warner team was having a costume party and asked me if I wanted to go. "Of course! Hell yes I wanted to go." I knew there would be alcohol and mostly everyone was going to be way older than me. But I didn't care. I had always gotten along so much easier with older people. Of course, I wasn't worried about any of that crap. My biggest concern was what costume I would wear and it wasn't until a few days later while doing our Saturday shopping ritual, that I saw it. The 'not too sexy but showed enough skin to make me feel sexy' ladybug costume was a one piece with the spots, bug headband and everything. The costume itself was on the short side, so I threw on shorts and called it good. The party was so fun - nothing but laughs and smiles. Even though I was underage, I had a few wine cooler type drinks but didn't go crazy. At the end of the night I was tired (and lazy) so I decided to crash on N's couch for the night. The party wrapped up and just like that everyone had left. She left her dog at her fathers house; so before bed went over to check on him. Not that I minded because I was already half asleep on the couch anyways. Details are so trivial sometimes. I won't describe how my heart dropped to the floor when he walked into the living room; startling me. I won't describe the helplessness I felt, the weakness under his weight. I won't mention that I had my virginity stolen from me by a monster that was "friends" with a women whom I had known for years. Only a monster with no soul could do what he did. Only a monster could finish taking the innocence of a 16 year old and stroll out like it was no big deal. I remember I sat stunned; frozen. I knew I needed to get out of there. I knew I needed to just get outside and feel the chilled October air on my face. I needed an escape; I needed to escape that place, those feelings, those thoughts, and all the racing images that started to flood my mind. I wish I could say I eventually recovered from such a tragedy. I wish I could tell you that I told someone and got the counseling that was necessary. I wish I could tell you that I learned skills to deal with everything that results from a sexual assault. But the only thing I can tell you with any honesty is that to this day almost 15 years later...I still fucking hate ladybugs.
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