It was this morning eight years ago my knees gave out and I hit the ground.
The concrete was the only thing strong enough to support me after the words landed in my life. My brother had just walked toward me with his head held low. I could see he was searching for something. He took me gently by the arm as I asked him “John, what’s wrong?”. He hesitated for a brief second, while I stood staring. Then he lifted his gaze to mine and he said “Tara…..Dad killed himself”.
That’s when I crumbled to the ground. I was half holding on, half begging for it to swallow me whole. It’s the moment I heard my spirit break and shatter into pieces.
I don’t often let my mind wander to that string of seconds. It’s too difficult to relive. The powerful impact, a swift and violent punch to the soul, is still something I physically feel as if it’s happening all over again.
In eight years I’ve learned to revisit this moment sparingly and only when absolutely necessary.
As I look back, I recognize massive shifts in my perspective and awareness. Time is now measured by before and after. Dad’s suicide the harsh beginning to a brand new reality.
In eight long years I’ve learned (the hard, bumpy, bruised knee and bloody knuckled way) of navigating Grief, living with Depression and managing two full-blown assholes called Anxiety and Panic.
In this time I’ve also learned how to patch my broken spirit back together into a mosaic puzzle I’m growing proud of.
It’s no secret that my family and I have experienced a great deal of loss that didn’t stop after Dad. Tragic loss. Unbelievable loss. Too massive for our minds and hearts and souls to absorb. Too big to hold on to and too heavy a burden to carry.
So what do you do with it all then? If you can’t carry them, hold them or tuck them all away...where does it all fit?
Eight years ago I was certain I would drown in the murky water of it all. I had no clue what my tomorrows would look like under all this heartache. I had no space big enough to store it all.
Fast forward to today, after a tremendous amount of hard work and digging deep, the one and only thing I know for sure is that letting go of it, bit by bit, is the only option. It’s not about storing it. It’s about releasing it.
Release. What an epiphany (when I allowed myself to have it).
Talk about true grit.
Each day I work at it. I supplement the dark moments with memories that are lighter, happier and healthier. It’s not always pretty. In fact, it’s a hot mess. Emotions swinging around like Kettle Bells, me doing my best to focus my energy on the positives and not feed the gluttonous negatives that wait anxiously in the wings.
I study. I read. I try my very best to be understanding and have compassion. When I can’t do any of the above I turn the kindness onto myself and soothe the parts of me that ache. In time, the gift I’ve been given in return for my hard work is Belief.
Belief that letting go is the gateway. It’s where I will find the shift from surviving suicide and tragedy to thriving, one day at a time.
Each day I apply this practice I can feel myself healing. My clenched fists begin unfolding, my sadness slowly lifting, my resentment tasting less bitter and my anger simmering.
Somewhere along the way I realized that surviving simply wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more. Thriving, in the face of it all, was my only true option.
So with that I decided I would let go, piece by piece, and set all those experiences ablaze on a trail of a life well lived.
Tragic loss, great love, mosaic soul patches and all.
:: Always from under the same sky ::
Tara
Tara is a lover of yoga, bleeder of words and a bohemian city-kid who has a knack for rescuing stray animals.
She has a mean case of wanderlust and you’d be hard pressed to find her without these things:
a journal in her bag, a camera in-hand and sun kissed shoulders.
Tara writes from experience, pain, truth, triumph and that place,
deep down, where the words simmer in emotion.
