"You aren't really clean."
Those four words have haunted me for the last 10 years and 11 months.
Next month, I will turn 31 years old. It has been almost 11 years since a methadone clinic saved my life. Saved me from myself. I walked into that clinic hopeless and on my last breath; the thread I was hanging on by had finally given out. I wish I could say it was solely my desire to stop shooting dope that led me there. It wasn't. What broke my thread was a friend's fatal overdose; a day that I don't think I could ever forget. On that day; through the empty eyes of a person who was a son, brother, and friend; I saw death in all its ugliness and sadness; and something changed.
Of course, I was like most addicts who end up taking those first steps into a clinic: I swore I would never go on methadone. No one hates "the 'done" more than other addicts. Addicts, myself included, would tell ourselves that being chained to a clinic instead of sticking a needle in your arm is worse. I told myself that I would rather die than get addicted to another drug. And that would have been my prerogative except for one thing: it was a lie. I didn't want to die. I wanted to fucking LIVE.
See, most people don't understand the purpose of a methadone maintenance program. People get caught up in the notion that you are replacing one drug with another. However; the purpose of programs like a clinic isn't to get a person drug free. No, its sole purpose is just to help a person STOP SHOOTING HEROIN. You are probably asking yourself what the point is? Why have a person substitute methadone for heroin? The main reason is simple: you can live on a maintenance program. Not only the breathing type of living but quality of life type of living. You can have a job, take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, go to school, exercise, get your drivers license - the possibilities are endless. And that is the whole point: most heroin addicts can't do the things I just listed because they are ADDICTED TO HEROIN. That is the one part of the equation outsiders don't get: those on methadone aren't necessarily addicted to methadone. They are DEPENDENT ON IT.
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Side note 3/3/15:
Another young life taken. Another mother and father mourn their daughter's death. Her friends, cousins, sisters and brothers are heartbroken. Another fatal overdose. I have lost count. As I thought back to my time on the clinic and wrote the above piece I couldn't help but think: what if the stigma wasn't there? What if heroin addicts could see beyond the judgement — would one of the many lives lost have been saved?
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Submitted Anonymously
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